


These Emotions I've Held Back, Would You Understand Them?

by Storiesofstars



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Arguing, Feelings Realization, Happy Ending, Inferiority Complex, Jealousy, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Wataru is jealous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25681342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Storiesofstars/pseuds/Storiesofstars
Summary: Wataru thought Kenta would be the only one he had to compete withUntil they met Asahi NayutaAnd he realized just how badly he wanted Ren to see him the way he saw Nayuta
Relationships: Matoba Wataru/Nanahoshi Ren, Nanahoshi Ren/Matoba Wataru
Comments: 13
Kudos: 42





	These Emotions I've Held Back, Would You Understand Them?

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 13 got me thinking about jealous Wataru. So this happened.
> 
> Enjoy!

Wataru wouldn't describe himself as a jealous person.

...Okay, maybe there was *one* person he was a bit jealous of. But generally speaking he didn't think of himself as the type to succumb to those feelings.

He also never considered himself the type to make a fuss about that sort of thing anyway. He always did his best to give his support, and his criticisms, without weighing in too much from his personal feelings- aside from his naturally worrisome personality that everyone was used to, but never more than that. Those sorts of personal feelings were kept locked up in his heart, never to see the light of day. At least that's what he forced himself to do.

And then 2 things happened:

First: he met Ren, and came to adore and admire him not just as an amazingly skilled and talented vocalist, but also a genuinely kind and passionate person.

Second: he met Nayuta, another genius in his midst, a blunt and brash performer whose work was unmatched by anything or anyone... except Ren.

At first, he thought little of it, knowing right away that they were in two very different leagues, and aiming to reach that level with Argonavis. But soon, something started building up- the increasing inferiority, the questioning of his feelings for Ren, the discouragement of always being 5 steps behind- ever so slowly, bit by bit, the waters rose, until the dam keeping back the crashing waves of his feelings was just one bad crack away from bursting.

He never imagined the damn would actually burst, and the waves would come crashing out one day.

* * *

A late Tuesday night, around 22 :53, only 2 members of Argonavis were seated at the kitchen table that evening, with the others having retreated back to their own rooms after dinner to focus on their own things. The members in particular, Ren and Wataru, were pondering over a new set of lyrics, after having received the newest sheet music from Rio a few days previous. In earlier sessions, coming up with lyrics in a night's hard work was more than feasible, but as Wataru looked over and over again at the pages before him, all scratched out and scribbled on like an old highschool notebook, he began questioning how he'd managed such a feat. And Ren was just as lost.

"Jeez... it's not like the melody isn't good, it's just-"

"Mmh, it's hard to find the right words, to match how good it is."

"Yeah..."

They sighed in unison.

This new song would be unveiled at the next LRFes performance at the end of next week.While the others had begun practicing separately, the lyrics were still far from complete, and the time crunch was starting to get to them.

"I can already see Kikyo's face, mocking how I should have at least a solid concept by now." He ruffled his hair, imagining his knowing smirk.

"I'm sure he'll understand. This is important after all."

"Yeah, but still..."

His mind wandered to a certain band in west Shinjuku, and a certain silver haired vocalist who was no doubt also working on their new song. That was all he did; eat, breathe, drink coffee, and make music (and somehow fit law school into all that)

"Wataru?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry..."

"Is something wrong?"

"No, just... *sigh, just thinking about how Asahi-san can push out lyrics and compositions so quickly, and at the high level he does- we could use some of that brain power right about-"

"Mmh, I agree, Nayuta-kun is seriously amazing!"

Ouch. Wataru could feel that stab at his heart. Ren's admiration of Asahi Nayuta was of no surprise to anyone, especially him, but hearing about it didn't make it any less... irritating? Is that what he was feeling? Irritation? But why? It was well deserved praise, he knew just as well as Ren that Nayuta was an amazing musician- more amazing than he was...

"I wonder how long he spends on each song-"

Annoyance growing.  _Stay calm._

"And the inspiration for the melodies-"

Hands shaking.  _Wataru just breathe._

"I hope he gets enough sleep-"

Fists tightening.  _No, stop! He's not doing this on purpose, he-_

"But if we're talking about Nayuta-kun's lyrics, they're so powerful, and moving... someday, I want to sing lyrics that are as good as his, maybe-"

** *THUD* **

Ren was interrupted by the sound of Wataru's hand hitting the table.

"...Wataru?" Ren asked, just noticing Wataru's shaky breathing.

"...just stop."

"Huh?"

"On and on about Nayuta this, Nayuta that... Ren, I'm right here!!"

Wataru stared right at Ren, his eyes full of pain and frustration.

"You... are." Ren said back, startled, and confused that he was stating the obvious, the meaning of his words flying over his head.

Wataru sighed raggedly, covering his eyes with his hand and shaking his head. He should've known Ren wouldn't understand.

"N-never mind... excuse me."

He got up from the table and rounded the corner, still shaking.

Ren could only sit and stare at the table covered in papers, replaying that conversation over and over again for several minutes.

_ Wataru... was upset? About me talking about Nayuta-kun so much? I didn't... I didn't realize he felt that way- but why did he never say anything before? He could've told me to stop...Unless... maybe he didn't want to hurt my feelings- _

And then it dawned on him.

_ Wait... did *I* hurt Wataru? Did I... make him feel like he wasn't good enough?  
_

He gasped quietly, eyes widening in horror.

_Did I make him think I would rather sing Nayuta-kun's lyrics?! _

He jumped out of his seat and ran to where he thought Wataru would be, in his room, and knocked on the door frantically.

"Wataru? Are you in there?"

No response. But he could hear the crinkling of a plastic wrapper from behind the door. He was there, probably stress eating again. Ren could feel the guilt in his stomach growing.

"I just, I just want to talk! Please..."

Silence, followed by hesitant muffled footsteps was his response, before the doorknob clicked quietly and the door slowly opened, revealing Wataru with his slightly puffy eyes looking down. Ren's heart broke.

He opened the door wider so Ren could step in, and both found themselves sitting on Wataru's bed.

"Wataru... I didn't realize how I was making you feel. I admire Nayuta-kun a lot, but I admire you too. I just... I should have been more considerate of your feelings."

"...it's not your fault. Of course you would admire him. I can't help but think he's amazing too. Too amazing..."

"Mmh."

Ren shifted his feet nervously with his hands folded on his lap.

"...how long have you felt like this?"

Wataru shoved his hands into his hoodie pocket- one of the things Ren learned over the months that meant he was closing himself off.

"I- *sigh, it doesn't matter-"

"It does. Wataru, please don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. I made you feel like this, so I want you to tell me."

He turned his head away, untucking his hands from his hoodie pocket and leaning back on the mattress with another sigh.

"...for a while. Probably... since the battle of the bands."

"All the way back then?"

He nodded.

"I guess... the moment Asahi took your mic, and challenged you, I realized I would never measure up to him, no matter how hard I tried. And I thought I just had my brother to worry about... now that genius is here, and he captured your attention."

"Wataru..."

"But it's whatever. I shouldn't have snapped like that, over something so petty, I can't control how you feel. Fawn over him as much as you want..."

Ren detected a sudden bitterness to Wataru's words, feeling them eat away at his heart. He didn't like it.

"No, not if it makes you feel this way-"

"Seriously, go for it, talk about him all you want, like how he's a musical genius who can do anything-"

"Wataru-"

"Or the fact that he doesn't give a damn about anyone and yet is somehow popular-"

"Wataru please-"

"Or that my brother actually gives a shit about his musical abilities while I can't do anything right in his eyes!"

The silence in the moments after was so intense they could hear the blood pumping in their ears, and the scuffles from the other sides of the walls, most likely the others trying to figure out what was going on in the discretion of their own rooms.

Hot tears fell from Wataru's eyes, his voice wobbling as he covered his face, trying his best not to cry loudly. He felt so pathetic.

"...I don't even know why I bother anymore... nothing I do even matters- I..."

"...don't-"

A pair of hands hands grabbed Wataru's shoulders, forcing him to turn, and he was suddenly face to face with Ren, standing on his knees atop his bed, with an expression that he hadn't seen off stage in a very long time.

"Don't you  dare say that about yourself. It's because of you I was able to start singing with Argonavis- because of your lyrics, I feel like I can express my thoughts better- you, you helped me write my first song, and we wrote Pray together for Banri, you've helped give me my voice so don't say that you don't matter  BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO ME!"

Wataru couldn't reply, a complete loss for words as Ren held on, his grip wavering, lowering his head, tears beginning to form in his eyes. 

"Wataru," he said, trying his best to speak through the tightness in his throat, "I couldn't do any of this without you. You... you're so important to me."

He had no idea Ren felt that way at all. 

He'd been so focused on the constant admiration towards the silver haired vocalist, thinking that was all Ren cared about, that it never even occurred to him that the things he'd done for Ren that never felt like a big deal, things that he would do in a heartbeat, those were important TO REN, to the point that he was moved so passionately to talk about them, the same way he was about singing and performing. 

Suddenly he felt so stupid taking his insecurities out on him like that.

"R-Ren... god Ren I'm so sorry, I- I shouldn't have-"

A few tears fell onto the bed sheets.

"I-I'm sorry too, I... I..." Ren tried to speak amidst his wobbly voice, but his words were failing him, so instead he did something else to tell Wataru what he wanted to say.

Wataru's eyes widened as Ren embraced him in a gentle, yet awkward hug, feeling Ren's arms shaking around him. Slowly he shifted his position, sitting on his own knees, holding Ren in his arms. The two of them sat silently in Wataru's room, hugging, feelings the other's heartbeat, and the warmth between them. Wataru could smell the shampoo Ren had used earlier that night as he nuzzled into Wataru's neck, a comforting scent that lulled him further into their shared warmth. It was making his heart race, and yet he didn't want to let go.

"I should have told you before... I shouldn't have assumed you knew, even though I'm not good at this kind of thing-"

Wataru snickered, letting out a sniffle and hugging Ren just a bit tighter.

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I'm not great at this stuff either."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Easy: I hate being vulnerable."

"Ohh."

They stayed in each other's arms for a few moments longer before Ren began to shift a bit, perhaps getting a bit too warm, and Wataru let go. He looked at Ren, feeling nothing but fondness and joy flowing through him. He truly adored this desert traveler.

"Hey Wataru?"

"Hm?"

"I'll tell you from now on."

"Tell me? Tell me what?"

"How much I appreciate you. I'll do that so you know how much I care about you, I'll even do it every single day if I can-"

"W-wait, every single day might be a bit much-!" He could feel his face growing red just thinking about being showered in genuine compliments by Ren.

"Oh, really?"

"But... I wouldn't object every now and then... and maybe I could... to you..." he muttered, feeling sheepish that he was asking.

But Ren only smiled.

"Of course! I would really like that too."

A sudden yawn escaping his mouth caused Wataru to check his phone, and realizing it was way past midnight he ushered Ren to go to bed; he would clean up, and they could pick up where they left off tomorrow (and maybe explain to the others what happened, since clearly they all knew something went down).

As he got off the bed and walked towards the door, Ren paused, thinking about something he was worried about earlier.

"Wataru?"

"Yeah?"

"You're the only lyricist I want."

And left the room. As he walked back to his room, his heart was pounding in his chest as heat rushed to his face.

Meanwhile, back in Wataru's room, a dumbfounded, and profusely blushing Wataru, was sitting on his bed, covering his face, shaking for a whole different reason.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading ; v ;)b comments are always appreciated


End file.
